Dear Democratic Iowa Voters:

I heard a lot of you interviewed last night and this morning in the wake of the surprising caucus results yesterday. The sentiment that the media seemed to capture in these interviews was that you were most concerned with finding a candidate who could beat George W. Bush in the general election. I gather that because of all the soundbites with Iowans saying, "I just want someone who can beat Bush." I agree! We should be very concerned about beating George W. Bush, because after four more years of his administration, we're going to be in very serious trouble.

Apparently, a majority of you thought John Kerry has the best chance of beating George W. Bush, since you gave him the most delegates. Good thinking! Because, you know how the American voter is - always making decisions on silly things like looks and style. A candidate who looks and sounds like Boris Karloff in zombie drag will definitely win the hearts of the American voter! American voters aren't just about superficial stuff, though, because they care about integrity. I know this because I heard a Republican Iowa caucus-goer (who no one on Earth but that dern liberal-biased media cares about since the Republican caucus doesn't mean anything to anyone this year) interviewed, and she said, "President Bush has proven his integrity." That's why he's so popular! And that's why John Kerry is the man to beat him, because he's proven his integrity, too. He proved it by basing his early career on his courageous protests against an expensive and pointless war, sold to Americans with lies, and then courageously voting to approve George W. Bush's pursuit of an expensive and pointless war, sold to Americans with lies. We've got our man!

Apparently many of you also felt that John Edwards was the man to beat George W. Bush. And I think you're on to something, you shrewd Iowans! He's pretty, no doubt about that, and American voters like 'em pretty. I mean, I know I do. He has nice hair, too. Bill Clinton had nice hair. I know because the media used to like to talk about it all the time. He spent a lot of money on his haircuts and even brought the Los Angeles airport to a standstill having an expensive haircut on Air Force One. Okay, he didn't actually, but that dern liberal-biased media didn't want to spoil our fun by telling us the truth. Anyway, John Edwards sure is pretty and has pretty hair. He's Southern, too, and all of our presidents have to be Southern now. That was a condition of surrender when the South lost the Civil War. George W. Bush knows this and that's why he pretends to be from Texas when he's really from Connecticut. He's smart. So is John Edwards, which is why he's really a man to beat Bush. I'm sure his advantages of prettiness and Southernness -- real Southernness! -- will be enough to outweigh his disadvantages of not having any money or campaign organization. Because everybody knows that money and organization aren't really that important in modern American politics. Especially when you're pretty!

So, I just wanted to write you Democratic Iowans and say: Good job! Nice Work! Now you can go back to all your farm chores and stop fucking up my election.

Love,
Josh

P.S. I am never eating corn again. -J.

P.P.S. Nobody's taken ethanol seriously as an alternative energy source for decades, so let's just call it what it is -- welfare -- and call you what you are: barnyard-smellin' welfare queens in coveralls. Okay, thanks again! xxooj