Questions for Public Radio Newscasters

1) Do you guys like to cultivate the image that you're dumb? I ask this because you're constantly pointing out how confusing and hard everything is. This morning, for instance, I heard a news analyst going on about how complex and conceptually tricky federalism is. Um, no it's not. It's really, really not. Warren Olney of KCRW's To The Point is one of the very worst offenders here. Every time he gets somebody on to talk about tax policy, social security, or really any policy question, he will actually interrupt his guest periodically to comment on how very confusing it all is, however will we all understand it, much less make voting decisions about it, etc. Hey Warren: if you'd shut the hell up while your guest was trying to explain it, we'd be that much more likely to understand. Stop acting like a retard. In a sense it's even more aggravating on the (few American) science shows. I love it when a scientist is on as a guest, says something perfectly clear and nontechnical in non-jargon, and the host asks him to explain it for their non-scientist listeners. By which I think he means all the dead people, pre-verbal children, and animals who are listening to the show. Because everybody else got it the first time. Tip to my radio host homies: you may be stupid, but we aren't. Shut up and let your guests talk.

2) Now that it's one of the most heavily-covered news items since the September 11th attacks, is it too much to ask that you learn how to pronounce "New Orleans?" I mean, seriously, there IS actually a correct way to say it, it's not just a matter of personal expression. People from New Orleans say "New OR-lins." Wanker northeastern newscasters who view southern culture as exotic and quaint say "New OR-lee-ans" or "New or-LEENZ." Why? If you got on nationally broadcast radio and started talkin' 'bout "IlliNOIZE" or "Shi-CAY-go" or "SEEtle" or "Santa FEE," everybody would think you were a dumbass. Know why? Because you would actually be a dumbass. Look, I'm not asking you to get all Foghorn Leghorn and start saying, like, "N'Awlins." Just say it like regular, educated, residents of the city say it: New OR-lins. That's how you say it.

3) Is it really so important that you do your station ID on time that you interrupt a guest, like, actually in the middle of a sentence? I understand that you have to manage the time and everything, but do you seriously not have enough flexibility to wait until the end of a sentence to break in?

4) Do you realize that when you decide to do a show on the big Intelligent Design "controversy" that not only are you revealing yourself to be stupid, but you're making all the rest of us stupider at the same time? Do you realize that when you have these wankers Dembsky, Behe, and whoever the hell else on, that when they talk, they're not making any sense? The first time I heard one of these shows, I realized that you don't even HAVE to know anything about evolution to argue with them, because their claims don't even stand up on simple logic. And do you realize that they just plain lie? Do you realize that when they say stuff like "Darwinism is increasingly controversial" and "scientists are finding holes in evolutionary theory" that this is equivalent to claiming the moon is made of green cheese? Could you pleeeeze stop wasting the time and dignity of actual scientists by making them feel like they need to get on the radio with these prevaricating loons just to preserve basic science literacy?

5) This a special shout-out to my man Ira Flatow of NPR's Science Friday. Ira, do you think we can't all tell that you're not paying any f***ing attention to your guests when they're talking? Sometimes, when I'm listening to you on Science Friday, I think about those times when I'm on my cell phone, and say, I go into the store to buy something but I don't tell the person on the other end of the phone, and for those few minutes I'm at the counter paying, there's no way I can concentrate on that AND participate in the phone conversation, and so I'm inevitably either saying, "uh huh, uh-huh" when it's not appropriate, or I'm failing to answer a question I didn't hear, and it's completely obvious that I'm not paying attention, and the person on the other end starts saying, "are you there? Is everything okay?" I listen to you, Ira, and I think about those times on the phone, and I know that I'm just as busted as you are.

6) Do you ever listen to your colleages on British and Australian public radio when they're doing a political interview and reflect on what a bunch of mewling, useless pussies you are? Haha, kidding of course. I already know the answer to that one.

7) Could you please, for the love of God, for the sake of the dear sweet little baby Jesus and all the kittens and puppies and bunnies on Earth, give it a f***ing rest with the puns? Have you ever thought of a punny headline to a news item and been able to resist using it because it was too obvious? No, I know the answer to that one, too. They're not clever, you know.

8) Do you ever reflect on why nearly all the best reporting on the war and political culture in this present ugly era has been on entertainment shows like This American Life and Fresh Air instead of news shows?

9) To my man Chris Lydon: Just between you and me, Chris, before you go on, is it a couple lines o' toot? Or a hit on ye olde crank pipe? Or just a tankertruck full of Starbuck's? Because, I mean, I get twitchy just listening to you. But I'm glad you're back on the air, baby.